you bleed for an hour from a cut from your finger cuz your blood is so drastically thinned.


it's my birthday! i'm wasted. :)

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it's finally hit me. i'm thinking of all the family that will be here this weekend...and who won't.

i watched adaptation last night...and it got me thinking about what it must be like to lose a twin. to see yourself and always think of him..i can't imagine how derrick is dealing with it. then naturally, i thought of grandma. i don't know why it never registered before that she won't see me graduate. i'd even talked about it with mom and it didn't hit.

she's the reason i'm at cornell in the first place. she's the reason why any of my ambitions are possible. god. she always talked about wanting to see me graduate...
i'm sorry this is so sad..i can't keep it in anymore. it's hard. it's harder than thinking about saying goodbye to everyone.

the cousins are coming up...and i can't stifle the sick feeling of realization that they'll be one less.

anyone that says time makes it better...is lying. it doesn't. every day you lose them all over again. every time you realize they're gone, it's just as bad as the day you found out. my memories of them are so vivid. they're so alive...there's not a word to describe the feeling of realizing that those memories are all you have. i think with time you only get a little better at not thinking about it.

how the hell am i gonna deal with auntie eunice without grandma there to remind me what a bitch she is..? oh lord...how am i gonna deal with her....WHY IS SHE COMING?! The least she could have done was bring michelle...so i could at least revel in getting my cousin drunk in front of her mother. I'm going to harp on this cuz it cheers me up a bit. my auntie eunice...she means well, really. but..high horse is the term that comes to mind. I can't wait for her to meet jared cuz they will NOT get along. i suppose she's nice enough. she helped me out...i still don't get why she's coming. it makes no sense. my sister is just as perplexed. she's not MY godmother! *gasp* i need to call auntie ange...shit..shitshitshit.


on the bright side, i know what i'm writing on my cap.

gotta work...

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This is definitely hormones. I'm a mess. What am I, 16? Is this what it's like to be a girlie girl?! If so, you can KEEP IT. It sucks.

It's not nearly as bad as when I was on bcp but I still feel abnormal. I think I have the lowest amount of estrogen in the human population. Seriously. This is such a ridiculously low dose. Ugh.


I hate this stuff. :(



In other news: everything went really wrong really fast. I'm trying to get my shit (back?) together and not fail my final in 2 days.

So I've been really easily irritated lately. I don't know if it's the bc or if it's genuine. I'm guessing the former because if I don't address the issue, it subsides after a few days. Usually if something bothers me and I do nothing about it, I just get more and more worked up over it.

All the same, I've been feeling pretty melancholy lately. Maybe it's because I'm a friggin cripple. I threw a few punches on Sunday and my shoulder was on fire for a while. My knee can't hold my weight and makes a really gross popping noise if I bend it...I don't know what's worse: a careless injury, or an injury from going too hard at practice. I mean...who DOES that? Am I really that nuts? ...Probably. Now I can't exercise (upper OR lower body) for about 2 more weeks at, or run or box or do anything before I graduate. AAAAAAAGH! At least I have crunches...and one armed push-ups *gasp*

Still haven't heard from jobs yet. I'm starting to think maybe I'll keep my summer free and get this jaw surgery over with...add to mygimp-ness, run up the tab of 'money I owe parents' as well as 1-3 months of bruising, swelling and gross fluids in my mouth. Oh and a liquid diet for 6 weeks. ...yeah...that's how I want to celebrate leaving Cornell: induce a greater hell then bask in my joblessness.

In other news: I'm really getting into developmental neurobio. Odd because I hated it during intro, but it applies to SO many cool things! Like vomeronasal tracts and dietary cues in carnivorous animals...sigh.
Also, I'm really into colons lately. I dunno wassup. And Melissa got me saying "I meannn."

I'm also fighting the urge to gripe. A lot. Hence the excessive sarcasm. I'm going to bed.

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1. don't waste your money. spiderman 3 sucks. a LOT. it's long, it's slow, the fights aren't that great and oh lord will someone PLEASE maim Kirsten Dunst? I don't know how much longer I can take her "acting."

2. I'm in a cynical mood..per usual

3. new tshirt idea (the title of this entry) whatchoo think?

4. I made my jimmy page shirt. i love it and no one gets what it means...:-D

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I know, it's been a while. I'm back! Ya happy?

Yesterday was as memorable as I expected, except I don't remember much of it. I started off with rum punch and beer pong with chordials. We all went together and immediately split up. Then Tess and I walked around, because nothing really got started (and we got foam hats for seniors, it was pretty sweet). Then we met chordials at the top of the slope. Catch 22 was playing at this point. And Cornell Idol was happening right next to where we were sitting, so I can't tell you much about Catch 22. They sounded pretty good, from what little I could hear.
Tess and I left to get food and walk around the slope some more. We walked really close to the stage for TV On The Radio and it was far too loud. But they were REALLY REALLY good.
They played their big songs, Playhouses, Dreams, Staring at the Sun, among others. They had a GREAT set and they were so composed on stage. One guy has a fro and a huge beard, he looked like a puppet from where we were sitting, it was so animated. I should have brought my camera, because we were still close when we moved back. Except for some pitch issues in one of the final songs, the show was perfect. They really command attention from the audience, and their intense songs are just that. Anyway, you can tell I really liked it.
After their set, I went home to get my camera. I came back and TI had started. He was talking and it sounded like the audience didn't like it much. His set was okay. Kind of stuff I like to bump in my trunk, but he wasn't particularly phenomenal. Not like snoop was. He put on a GREAT show..
I left before TI ended, actually, by the time I made it to the exit of the slope, he'd just ended, so we (Tess and other Chords) left at the beginning of the exodus. Tess later said that as we left it felt like we were leaving Cornell. I have to say that was definitely an undertone of the day. I was constantly reminded that this was the last time I was going to do this (as an undergrad anyway). It's bittersweet and shocking. I'm not prepared to leave this community...but I'm ready to face the world. It's strange..
Well I have to go wash off the grime. Bye kids.

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Isn't it funny how willing people are to accept that love can last forever, but they're hesitant to call it love when it blooms early...

i have no work to do tonight and its divine. probably the only night until the end of the semester.

In the playlist: Andrew Bird, Jolie Holland, Matt Pond PA, Hot chip, Nikka Costa. It's that kind of night.

Check out Tempa and the Tantrums. They're INCREDIBLE. I mean GENUINELY excellent music, all around. They cover BB King's "Stormy Monday" and it's INCREDIBLE. Her voice is spectacular.

I'm getting a boxing club hoodie! HOORAY! I designed them! :-D they look pretty sweet. I'd post a picture but i'm lazy

my bed looks luxurious. i must be off. it was brief, but sweet. gnight!

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"support NAMBLA"

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I have a custom-made google homepage that changes with the weather. The bulldog is my favorite character (he wears a bucket hat when it rains!).

I am openly in love with Google and secretly obsessed with it.

Firefox is the shit too.

I don't know why now, and not then. I wish I could push back now to then and have all the time between again.

My brother hangs a rosary off his rear-view mirror. It's a symbolic and touching gesture. Every time I see a picture of his car, I smile because of it.

I think I'm going to give this whole religion thing another go...

Your eyes are green, not hazel. And you should probably be working on your thesis.

My life isn't any less difficult than it was before, but all in view are solutions, and hope on the horizon.

My brother helped design Gaim. Weird.

B.B. King. AWESOME.

Any other person, any other time, I would be fearful of the future, and the imminent change it brings...but something about this one is different. I don't worry.

My sister is settling down. I mean settling down. (And I'm dying to be an aunt..)

I wanted badly to be friends with him. Or at least on pleasant terms. But now I'm thinking things are better this way. Passive and all.

I am my brother's biggest fan.

I've dedicated far too much of my time to you. I should go (it's always so hard to leave!).



Until later.


All my life to those I have. All my love to those I've lost.

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Of all the emotions assigned to grief, the one I most strongly feel is envy. He lived his life so completely. He touched so many. I am left going through my daily progressions wondering if I am truly getting the most of every minute. I question the value of my every activity. Is this enough?

What strange about Dominique's death is the eerie sense of closure. At his house the weekend after, we all realized we had a chance to say goodbye. Although I'm sad, and look reluctantly to future family gatherings without him, I can't help but smile in memory. It's a strange warm feeling.

The family is so strong. But there are times it seems that everyone wants to scream. The tension is so binding. They never cried. Not around me at least.